Sunday, October 13, 2013

Obama Signs Executive Order For $16.987 Billion

Note this is satire not real news

Dateline DC October 13, 2013

President Obama signed executive order Green44 to authorize the spending of as much as $16.987 billion for the Department of Entropy (DOE) to subsidize as many as 424,685 Via plug in trucks.  Standing at Mr. Obama side were Dr. Moniz the Secretary of Entropy and Jared Huffman the freshman congressman from the 2nd district of California.

The reason for the executive order is to offset 594,558 tons of yearly CO2 emissions the federal government will create when the new NSA data center in Utah begins operation on an around the clock basis to spy on any human activity on the planet.  Mr. Obama explained that the 64 megawatts of Utah power used in the new data center are some of the dirtiest power in the USA (2,121 pounds of CO2 per megawatt hour) and that Via is a Utah company thus the $16.987 billion in DOE giveaways will offset the CO2 pollution the new $2 billion NSA data center will create.  Mr. Obama added that there will be a zero sum game because of the two initiatives his administration is undertaking.

The Christian Science Monitor reporter asked "is 594,558 tons a year of added CO2 not like putting 100,000 more cars on the road?"  Mr. Obama replied "yes it is but the cars are painted British Racing Green."

A Fox news reporter asked: “why not just cancel the $2 billion NSA data center and save both the $2 billion and the $16.987 billion?”  Mr. Obama replied that he knows there will be good paying jobs both in the data center and the Via truck assembly plant and his policy is good for the middle class.  The reporter followed on and asked:  “even with the $40,000 a truck gift from the DOE, the remaining cost of the truck is still $39,000 and the middle class can hardly afford that vehicle?”

Mr. Obama did not answer that question but let Dr. Moniz explain the program further.  Dr. Moniz stated that “the carbon in the carbon dioxide from the data center will have a lower overall molecular weight because there is very little carbon 14 as the data was all freshly minted.”  He went on to explain that “the carbon in fossil fuels has more Carbon 14 due to fossils being very old.”  The reporter from CNN then asked:  why is Mr. Huffman here today.”

Mr. Huffman took his place at the podium and said “because I am the greenest congressman and I am an ardent supporter of the president’s initiative to lower carbon emissions no matter the source.”   Huffman continued “I actually asked the president to only operate the NSA data center during election years so we can halve the emissions.”

The actual reason Mr. Huffman was there was because he was a substitute for Nancy Pelosi who was onsite in Utah making sure the new data center will focus like a laser on the tea party.    After being served green tea and sugar free cookies the guests left the White House.  I inquired why were the sugar free cookies served?  Jay Carney told me that “all the surplus USDA sugar had been given to Pacific Ethanol in their sweetheart deal to make fuel ethanol and the White House baker had some Saccharine that was left over from the Nixon administration thus he baked the cookies during the shutdown with this sugar substitute as all the stores were closed.”

Note this is satire not real news